The Blessing of Fidelity

The Church's historic sexual morality is fidelity within marriage and chastity outside it. The morality has real world results. In 1995 Bishop Sengulane of the Diocese of Lebombo in Mozambique told me that the African Church regarded sexual morality as a life and death issue. Research by Maxine Ankrah found that the historic drop in H.I.V. rates in Uganda in the late 1980s and early '90s were because "substantial numbers of Ugandans had ended affairs and remained faithful to one partner" (New York Times, Book Review 7/29/07 p. 16 cf. Helen Epstein, The Invisible Cure).

AIDS in Africa is primarily a heterosexual phenomenon. In America it has been primarily a homosexual one clearly linked to a promiscuous gay lifestyle. When I moved to Houston and began serving at Palmer Memorial Church eleven years ago, I encountered a quite different gay life style, that of devout Christians, many in long term committed relationships, active in all the parish's ministries. The Church is grateful for their presence, money and labor but cannot bless their partnerships.

Gays have been active in the Church and members of the clergy for centuries but they flew under the radar. The tacit agreement was that they would be chaste or, failing that, extremely discreet (caute si non caste). What has caused all the fuss is that about thirty years ago some came out of the closet and said, "This is the way God made me and I am not going to be ashamed of it any more." As Bishop Gene Robinson put it, "What most people don't realize is that homosexuality is something that I am, it's not something that I do.... We're not talking about taking a liberal or conservative stance on a particular issue; we're talking about who I am" (The New Yorker 4/17/06 p. 58). He was not invited to the Lambeth Conference this year because, though The Episcopal Church has accepted his episcopate, the Anglican Communion has not. One reason it has not is that he is living with someone to whom he is not married. The catch of course is that he cannot marry him. His relationship falls outside the parameters of the sacrament of marriage as it has developed over the centuries.

Valid sacramental acts require proper intention, matter, form and ministry. The marrying couple is required to sign a declaration that they intend what the Church means by marriage viz. "a lifelong union of husband and wife as it is set forth in the Book of Common Prayer ... intended by God for their mutual joy; for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity..." (Canon I.18.3 (e) cf. BCP p. 423).

The matter is the outward and visible sign of the sacrament. In baptism it is water; in the Eucharist it is bread and wine; in marriage it is the joining of hands and the ring. The form is the words spoken – baptism in the name of the Trinity and use of Christ's words of institution at the Lord's Supper (cf. Lambeth Quadrilateral (d) BCP p. 878). In Holy Matrimony the form is the vows exchanged. In essence the couple vow to love each other as Christ loved us, that is, unconditionally (v. Mt. 5:43-48). Each says to the other, "I adore you for all about you that is adorable and I accept you in spite of all that is not. I am with you for better or worse. I will rejoice with you and be among the crowd applauding when your life's work prospers but if it fail, and the applause cease, and the crowd disperse, I will be there regardless, beside you and for you, for richer, for poorer, semper fidelis. I will frolic with you in the beauty of your health and youth. And when you are old and broken, I will be there still, to love and to cherish 'til death".

The proper ministers of most sacraments are priests (baptism, Eucharist, reconciliation, unction) or bishops (those mentioned plus confirmation and ordination). Matrimony is unique in that the celebrants of the sacrament are the couple themselves. The bishop or priest is there, not to marry them, but to give the nuptial blessing. I am always grateful for a clerical blessing but it is not necessary to the contracting of a marriage. The rubrics allow deacons to preside at weddings but not to give the blessing (BCP pp. 422, 435). No couple is married by a cleric; they marry each other. Thus validity, though John Macquarrie added this caveat: "There is validity in the sight of God and there is validity in the sight of the Church. ... It must be assumed that sometimes what is deemed invalid in the churches is valid in God's sight, especially if there is evidence of holiness of life" (A Guide to the Sacraments, p. 50).

If two people of the same sex exchanged vows and rings before God and witnesses with the intent of marriage, would they be married? No, because the Prayer Book defines marriage as "a covenant between a man and a woman" (BCP p. 422) and as the "union of husband and wife" (BCP p. 423). But could such a companionship be sacramental, that is, a means of grace?

The sacrament of Holy Matrimony is unique: unlike the others, it takes place over a long period of time -- a process, not an event, the marriage not the wedding. Grace is found in living out the vows. I have received the grace of this sacrament by finding myself loved beyond my deserving by my partner who for more than thirty years has thus embodied the gracious love of God and made it credible. To be loved most by him who knows me best is grace indeed. Were she of my own sex the grace of the sexless God would have been mediated to me still. In this throwaway society, fidelity is a prophetic sign of God's own steadfast love (hesed). Such a relationship, though unblessed by the Church, were itself a great blessing.